The Horse Who Wouldn't Die
The Biography of a Useless Horse
by H. B. Farmer

**Now available as an ebook**

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Quotable Quote

"Every time you ride a horse you're either training him or he is training you."

Monday, November 12, 2012

TV Listing: Rehab Survivor


Thursday, 7 p.m. EST

Episode 2: Handwalking on the Wild Side

After weeks of confinement, the horses enthusiastically greet the outside world.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Road Apple Classifieds

For Sale: 5/8-horse (half thoroughbred, half quarter horse) gelding.  This horse has the mind of a quarter horse and the sole of a thoroughbred.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Stockwatch: Pony Boy, Inc.

Pony Boy, Inc (GPB)
$75.21 (+1.32) (+1.79%)

Shares in Pony Boy, Inc.climbed today after the unveiling of the new Horse-Don't-Follow-So-Closely stick, now in patent-pending Native Yellow color.

Monday, October 15, 2012

TV Listing: Rehab Survivor


Thursday, 7 p.m. EST

Episode 1: Stall Rest Acrobatics

Based on Survivor, the popular human reality show, Rebhab Survivor follows 12 thoroughbreds rehabbing from injuries.  In the opening episode, Stall Rest Acrobatics, the drugs wear off and the horses exhibit their extreme agility in confined spaces.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

U.S. Eventing Riders Warned Not To Watch Shark Week

The United States Eventing Association issued a statement this week urging riders to refrain from watching any of Discovery Channel's upcoming Shark Week.  "In our sport, riders need to be bold and fearless.  We can't have riders who are afraid to go into the water jump."

Thursday, August 9, 2012


In last week's classifieds we ran an ad for a Shetland pony for sale with the price listed as "Free to a good home".  The listed price should have been "Free".  The Road Apple apologizes for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Road Apple Classifieds

Certifiable trainer has openings for new students.  Come ride and train at our world class institution.  Call 555-2799.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Stephen Colbert Plans To Write Off Dressage Lessons As Business Expense In 2012 Taxes

The Road Apple has recently learned that Stephen Colbert has given receipts for his recent dressage lessons to his tax accountant. He is intending to write off the lessons with dressage trainer Michael Barisone as a business expense. A tax accountant contacted by the Road Apple indicated that this would not be a good move. "Because of the current political climate, dressage enthusiasts and other multimillionaires are under increased scrutiny when they try to claim their horse-prancing activities as a business expense."

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Friday, July 27, 2012

Book Review: The Art of Stall Cleaning

Price: $39.99
Publisher: Hillbilly Press, Inc.

This beautifully photographed coffee table book celebrates the mysterious and often under-appreciated art of stall cleaning.  Early chapters contain vivid color photographs that illustrate the complex interplay between manure and bedding.  In later pages we see intimate photographs of famous horses' stalls and we meet the stall artists who maintain them.

This book is a must have for manure enthusiasts.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Stockwatch: 3M Co

3M Co (MMM)
$86.27 (+$0.75) (+0.87%)
With the summer horse injury season in full swing, sales of 3M Vetrap have surged.

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Yesterday's text message to the farrier should have read, "Peter Rabbit needs to be shod" (that's 'shod' with a 'd').  The Road Apple apologizes for any confusion this may have caused.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

News That Sounds Like We Made It Up, But We Didn't

An Austrailian researcher has named a rare species of horse fly after pop diva Beyonce.  This horse fly, Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae, is notable for its big golden butt.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Area Dressage Horse Doesn't Understand Basketball

Last night Single Entendre, a 9 year old Hanoverian gelding, watched his first basketball game, a match between the Miama Heat and the Oklahoma City Thunder. About five minutes into the game Single Entendre declared, “I just don't get it. These really tall guys run up and down a polished wood floor, bouncing a ball and throwing it around.  What's the point?” Single Entendre, an accomplished third level dressage horse, generally has a great appreciation for athletic feats, but the sport of basketball left him confused. “Every once in a while one of the tall guys would twirl through the air and then hang onto the hoop and the crowd would go absolutely nuts. And these guys get paid millions of dollars to do this?  I just don't get it.”

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Area Horse Irritated By Horse Reference On CSI: Miami

Mr. Nickerson, a 19 year old paint gelding, once again became irritated last night while watching an episode of CSI: Miami.  After performing an autopsy, Dr. Woods declared that the victim had been injected with "enough drugs to kill a horse".  At this point Mr. Nickerson began yelling at the television, "Why do people insist on using horses as a yardstick for measuring drug overdoses?  When did we become a unit of measure for killing things?"  Vowing never to watch CSI: Miami again, Mr. Nickerson changed the channel to a rerun of Growing Pains.  Minutes later teenager Mike Seaver displayed appalling manners, prompting his father asked, "Were you raised in a barn?"  At this point Mr. Nickerson turned off the television and picked up a book.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Animal Rights Groups Target Carousel Horse Industry

Santa Monica, CA -- Several animal rights groups have joined forces to form 'Save The Carousel Horses' whose mission is to ensure that carousel horses have all of the same rights that real horses do.  Many celebrities have adopted the cause.  In an interview with The Road Apple, Paris Hilton said, “Those poor horses, stuck to a pole all day long.  I just had to do something.”  Save The Carousel Horses is primarily focused on changing laws.  “But I am more interested in rescuing them,” Hilton said, proudly pointing to a pile of carousel horses in the corner of her living room.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Road Apple Safety Tip

Road Apple Safety Tip: Always wear your helmet when crawling around behind horses

Saturday, May 19, 2012

2012 AQHA Bootylicious Award

Amarillo, TX -- Heza Dunnit Now, a 7 year old quarter horse stallion, won the first annual AQHA Bootylicious Award.  He bested a field of 37 mares, geldings, and stallions for the honor.  Contestants were judged not only on the size of their hindquarters, but also on shape and texture.  Heza Dunnit Now was proud of his victory.  "I worked hard to achieve this.  I did a lot of stair climbing and weightlifting and I watched my diet carefully.  I am also blessed with good genetics, so any weight gain goes straight to my hips."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

TV Listing: Covert Affairs

USA Network

9 p.m. EST

In this week's episode, the hounds draw the covert while members of the field stand around and talk about the weather, national and international politics, the latest diets, and their favorite movies.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Press Release - Point Two Ltd

For Immediate Release

Point Two Ltd
, Marketing Department
Unit 10, Jayes Park Courtyard
Ockley, Dorking, Surrey RH5 5RR


An independent research team was hired to conduct an extensive investigation into the safety of our Point Two Air Jackets.  We are pleased to announce the findings of this study.  The study found that since the Point Two Air Jackets were introduced there has not been a single incident of drowning in a water complex at a major eventing competition.

Point Two Ltd is pleased with our contribution to the safety of the sport of eventing.  We believe that this study will also make Point Two Air Jackets appealing to a wider variety of riders, including trail riders who have to cross creeks and show jumpers who jump liverpools and open water.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Royal Wedding Anniversary Press Release

On the eve of the anniversary of the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton, the rider from the Household Mounted Cavalry Regiment who fell off his horse during the procession issued a press release.  In it he stated, "I would just like to remind everyone that I did not fall off my horse.  The horse slipped and fell.  I did not 'fall off'."  After falling off his horse, the rider let go of the reins and the loose horse ran right passed the coach that was carrying the newly married couple back to Buckingham Palace.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Area Horse Not Planning On Getting Any Work Done This Weekend

Moorpark, CA -- Deacon, a 9 year old thoroughbred gelding, is not planning on getting any work done this weekend while he watches the live feed of the Rolex Kentucky Three Day Event.  "I always keep a work-related window open on my computer.  Then if someone walks by I just ALT-TAB over to that.  I don't know what I'll do if someone tries to take me for a ride.  Maybe I should just call in lame."

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

TV Listing: Fashion Television

Fashion TV

9 p.m. EST

In this week's episode, the hosts look at fashions that take women straight from the barn to the bar.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Business Opportunity: Hillbilly Farms Syndicate

For the first time ever, you have a chance to be a part of our exciting operation here at Hillbilly Farms.  For a low monthly investment, you can own part of one of the world famous Hillbilly Farms horses.

$25/month buys the part of the horse that doesn't want to be caught in the pasture
$20/month buys the part of the horse that produces large amounts of manure each day
$75/month buys the perfect, rhythmic canter -  SOLD!
$10/month buys the part of the horse that likes to walk around on his hind legs  
$50/month buys the part of the horse that gets injured and runs up huge vet bills
$5/month buys the part of the horse that rolls in manure before a show
$100/month buys the part of the horse that can jump a clean round - SOLD!

Shares are limited so purchase your share soon!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Amateur Owner Hunter Spun After Rider Comes Up Lame In The Jog

Bernville, PA - At the Big Bucks Horse Show this weekend, Valerie Cauthen, 52, and her horse Midnight Express were called back first for the jog in the Amateur Owner Hunter 36 & over.  But halfway through the jog, Cauthen rolled her ankle and had to limp through the rest of the jog, causing the judge to remove them from the placings, citing unsoundness. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Statshot: Baling Twine: What Are We Doing With It?

Baling Twine: What Are We Doing With It?

15% Fixing the tractor
11% Making realistic looking fake tails for our appaloosa
7%  Macrame
21% Holding the old barn together
45% Breeding and selling
10% Decorating for the holidays
1%  Baling hay

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

DMS IV Entry: Weephobia

Weephobia is the pathological fear of miniature horses.  It is most commonly seen in large horses.  Treatments include the use of binoculars and stilts.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

TV Listing: Manure Olympics


10 a.m. EST

This international competition includes events such as the Loaded Wheelbarrow Obstacle Course and Compost Flinging.  New this year is the demonstration sport Evening Gown Mucking where athletes dressed in formal attire must muck out an entire barn.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Area Horse Tired Of Being Compared To The Black Stallion

Scottsdale, AZ -- Midnight, a black Arabian gelding, is tired of his owner, Linda Ellison, constantly comparing him to the Black Stallion.  Whenever Ellison arrives at the barn she stands at Midnight’s pasture gate and whistles for him.  “I know she wants me to come galloping up to her, just like the Black would,” Midnight says.  Ellison is always disappointed when Midnight ambles up to her to get his treat.

The comparisons extend to all areas of their relationship.  “If we are out on the trail and we see a snake and I try to run away, she always says something like, ‘The Black would’ve fought the snake and saved my life.’  Whatever.  The Black also killed a man.  Oh, and by the way, the Black isn’t real.”

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Horse Owner Dumped By Farrier On Valentine's Day

Santa Ynez, CA -- Horse owner Carrie Burrows was dumped by her farrier on Valentine's Day.  "He had been acting like a jerk for weeks, not returning phone calls, ignoring my texts."  Then the farrier didn't show up for their shoeing appointment last week, telling Burrows that his truck broke down.  He rescheduled for Valentine's Day, assuring Burrows that everything was fine.  “I was at the barn, waiting for him, and he texts me and tells me it’s over—he won’t shoe my horse anymore.”  The desperate Burrows then started phoning other farriers, but at press time none had returned her calls.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Stock Watch: Drinking Horsemen, Inc.

Shares of Drinking Horsemen, Inc. skyrocketed today when they unveiled their new product, the Wine Pick, a combination hoof pick and wine opener.  "We are very excited about this product and hope to reach a new, sophisticated consumer group," said CEO Robert Malone.  Last month shares of the company fell after the Beer Pick failed to resonate with consumers.
The Wine Pick

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Area Barn Cat Finally Catches Mouse

Lake Oswego, OR -- After working for nearly three years as a barn cat, an orange tabby named Tangerine was finally seen carrying a dead mouse.  The incident is currently under investigation to determine if the mouse died of natural causes.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Horseybook - A New Equine Social Network

An equine entrepreneur has developed a social network exclusively for equines.  "We are very social animals and up until now we have been forced to use human developed sites, such as facebook and twitter," said the developer, an 8 year old quarter horse named Black Jack.   Horseybook allows horses to post photos, share their favorite rolling spots, post what they ate for breakfast, virtually groom each other, play Apartmentville, and much more.

Experts agree that for equine social networks to see real growth, significant advances in hoof-operated interfaces will have to be made.  "In focus groups we have encountered some problems with the way horses interact with the currently available smart phones and tablets," said one researcher.

Monday, February 6, 2012

TV Listing: House Hunters


6 p.m. EST

It is not about horses, but for a brief, wonderful moment our brain makes us think that it is.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Area Woman Still Talking About That Time She Met George Morris 20 Years Ago

Loveland, OH   At the monthly barn happy hour, Dorothy Hayman once again told the story about how she met George Morris 20 years ago.  “I was checking out one of the shows on the Florida winter circuit and I was walking to one of the warm up arenas and I literally bumped into George Morris.  He said, ‘Excuse me.’  Then I said, ‘No, excuse ME.’  He was so polite and such a gentleman.”  Then Hayman proceeded discuss Morris’s other virtues, none of which she learned about during their brief encounter.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Area Woman Knows Way Too Much About Manure Forks

Parkton, MD   New barn owner Leah Hammett made the mistake of bringing experienced horsewoman Tamara Buller to the feed store with her to pick up supplies. The very knowledgeable Buller spent over two hours discussing the pros and cons of various manure forks.

First Buller covered material options for the handle of the manure fork. Then she went on to handle shape. “Whether you prefer a straight handle or an ergonomic handle depends on your mucking style. Are you a flinger or a rotator?” When Hammett shrugged noncommittally, Buller delivered an extensive lecture on mucking techniques and grip types. Then she moved onto head types, covering teeth spacing and her own strong preference for a basket-type head. Finally she assessed the overall balance of each manure fork.

After finally settling on a manure fork, Buller spent the next few hours educating Hammett about wheelbarrows.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Horse Calls Humane Society After Being Repeatedly Decorated For Holidays

Decorated for Friend's Birthday

Decorated for The Royal Wedding

Decorated for New Year's Eve
A horse called the Humane Society to report that he had been repeatedly decorated for various holidays.  In an exclusive interview with the Road Apple, the horse reported that he was increasingly concerned about upcoming Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

TV Listings: Downunder Horsemanship


8 p.m. EST

In the series finale, Clinton Anderson explains how to find an actual trainer to help you with your horse in person.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Area Horse Really Wants His Own Pony, Promises To Take Very Good Care Of It

Seattle, WA   Area horse Pistol Pete has been begging for a pony of his own for weeks now.  He promises that he will feed his pony and clean up after it and take it for walks everyday.

Tired of the begging, Pete’s owner came up with an incentive program.  Pete gets a gold star for every week he behaves himself and does his chores without complaining.  When he has 500 gold stars he can get a pony of his own.  The 18 year old Pete was reportedly very excited about the plan and immediately started pony shopping.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Area Woman Critiques Gold Medal Ride

Raleigh, NC.   Training level dressage rider Jeanette Woodall spent last Saturday studying videos of the individual dressage competition from the 2008 Olympics.  She critiqued all of the riders, but was especially hard on individual gold medalist Anky Van Grunsven.  “She’s using too much spur—see how Salinero is swishing his tail?”  Her husband, Gregory, watching with her, nodded in agreement.  Woodall continued her critique, “Did you see him drop behind the vertical there?  She needs to soften the reins and let him stretch into the bridle.  She is riding him front to back.”  Woodall described Van Grunsven’s horse Salinero as ‘pretty nice’ but indicated that she would have trained him more correctly.

After spending the day critiquing Olympic level rides, Woodall headed to the barn and groomed her horse, but did not ride.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Police Blotter

On January 14th, at approximately 3:41 pm, Scott Willams, 44, was apprehended at Eastside Laundromat in Boise, ID.  He is charged with attempting to wash two horse blankets and five saddle pads in the laundromat’s washers, despite a clearly posted sign stating “No Horse Laundry”.  Police had placed the laudromat under surveillance after customers repeatedly called 911 to report finding horse hair in the machines.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Area Woman Driven To Blogging To Support Horse’s Vet Habit

Tucson, AZ   Faced with a mountain of vet bills, horse owner Darlene Lawler was forced to start blogging to make ends meet.  She googled ‘how to make money blogging’ and the first bit of advice she found was to ‘blog what you know’.  So Lawler started a blog called The Clumsy Horse, where she details the injuries and treatments of her accident-prone horse, Waldorf.

Followers of her blog have become acquainted with her bandaging routines and medication schedules.  They are also kept up to date on Waldorf's water consumption and manure production.  The most recent entry read, “Just changed Dorfy’s bandage and gave him his meds.  There was fresh manure in his stall!”

Lawler’s previous entrepreneurial ventures include a CafePress site where she sold merchandise with a cute cartoon of a horse resting in a hospital bed.  At press time there were no indications that Lawler intended to get an actual job.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Business Report: Drinking Horsemen, Inc.

Shares in Drinking Horsemen, Inc. fell 9.8% today after the company reported that sales of the Beer Pick, a combination hoof pick and bottle opener, were lower than expected. The Beer Pick's advertising slogan “Drinkin’ Beer and Pickin’ Hooves” did not resonate with consumers.

The Beer Pick

Sunday, January 8, 2012

George Morris Berates Squirrel For Low Standards

 George Morris

The offending squirrel

AUSTIN, TX   A George Morris clinic was interrupted yesterday when a chattering squirrel drew Morris’s ire.  Morris stopped the clinic to berate the squirrel, who was sitting in a nearby tree.  “If you want to learn anything you need to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.”  He then went on to criticize the squirrel’s work ethic.  Morris told the chatty squirrel, “I have paid my dues, but I still work hard.  When winter is approaching I am still out there gathering nuts.”

Kelsey Martinson was riding in the clinic when Morris went on his rant.  “We were working on shoulder-in when all of a sudden he started yelling at this squirrel.  Then he looked at me and was like ‘Kelsey, do you expect excellence from your squirrels?’  I had no idea what he was talking about, so I was like, ‘Yes, sir, Mr. Morris.’  Then he was like ‘See, Kelsey understands the importance of excellence.’”

The offending squirrel declined to be interviewed by the Road Apple.

Rider Left To Fend For Self After Horse Flees To Safety

Rider Left To Fend For Self After Horse Flees To Safety

Welcome to The Road Apple

The Road Apple is Hillbilly Farms' new dailyish news site.  Here we will provide you with completely made up headlines and articles about the day's horse events.  Enjoy!