The Horse Who Wouldn't Die
The Biography of a Useless Horse
by H. B. Farmer

**Now available as an ebook**

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Area Woman Knows Way Too Much About Manure Forks

Parkton, MD   New barn owner Leah Hammett made the mistake of bringing experienced horsewoman Tamara Buller to the feed store with her to pick up supplies. The very knowledgeable Buller spent over two hours discussing the pros and cons of various manure forks.

First Buller covered material options for the handle of the manure fork. Then she went on to handle shape. “Whether you prefer a straight handle or an ergonomic handle depends on your mucking style. Are you a flinger or a rotator?” When Hammett shrugged noncommittally, Buller delivered an extensive lecture on mucking techniques and grip types. Then she moved onto head types, covering teeth spacing and her own strong preference for a basket-type head. Finally she assessed the overall balance of each manure fork.

After finally settling on a manure fork, Buller spent the next few hours educating Hammett about wheelbarrows.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Area Horse Irritated By Horse Reference On CSI: Miami

Mr. Nickerson, a 19 year old paint gelding, once again became irritated last night while watching an episode of CSI: Miami.  After performing an autopsy, Dr. Woods declared that the victim had been injected with "enough drugs to kill a horse".  At this point Mr. Nickerson began yelling at the television, "Why do people insist on using horses as a yardstick for measuring drug overdoses?  When did we become a unit of measure for killing things?"  Vowing never to watch CSI: Miami again, Mr. Nickerson changed the channel to a rerun of Growing Pains.  Minutes later teenager Mike Seaver displayed appalling manners, prompting his father asked, "Were you raised in a barn?"  At this point Mr. Nickerson turned off the television and picked up a book.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Animal Rights Groups Target Carousel Horse Industry

Santa Monica, CA -- Several animal rights groups have joined forces to form 'Save The Carousel Horses' whose mission is to ensure that carousel horses have all of the same rights that real horses do.  Many celebrities have adopted the cause.  In an interview with The Road Apple, Paris Hilton said, “Those poor horses, stuck to a pole all day long.  I just had to do something.”  Save The Carousel Horses is primarily focused on changing laws.  “But I am more interested in rescuing them,” Hilton said, proudly pointing to a pile of carousel horses in the corner of her living room.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Area Woman Critiques Gold Medal Ride

Raleigh, NC.   Training level dressage rider Jeanette Woodall spent last Saturday studying videos of the individual dressage competition from the 2008 Olympics.  She critiqued all of the riders, but was especially hard on individual gold medalist Anky Van Grunsven.  “She’s using too much spur—see how Salinero is swishing his tail?”  Her husband, Gregory, watching with her, nodded in agreement.  Woodall continued her critique, “Did you see him drop behind the vertical there?  She needs to soften the reins and let him stretch into the bridle.  She is riding him front to back.”  Woodall described Van Grunsven’s horse Salinero as ‘pretty nice’ but indicated that she would have trained him more correctly.

After spending the day critiquing Olympic level rides, Woodall headed to the barn and groomed her horse, but did not ride.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


In last week's classifieds we ran an ad for a Shetland pony for sale with the price listed as "Free to a good home".  The listed price should have been "Free".  The Road Apple apologizes for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Monday, April 22, 2013

George Morris Berates Squirrel For Low Standards

 George Morris

The offending squirrel

AUSTIN, TX   A George Morris clinic was interrupted yesterday when a chattering squirrel drew Morris’s ire.  Morris stopped the clinic to berate the squirrel, who was sitting in a nearby tree.  “If you want to learn anything you need to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.”  He then went on to criticize the squirrel’s work ethic.  Morris told the chatty squirrel, “I have paid my dues, but I still work hard.  When winter is approaching I am still out there gathering nuts.”

Kelsey Martinson was riding in the clinic when Morris went on his rant.  “We were working on shoulder-in when all of a sudden he started yelling at this squirrel.  Then he looked at me and was like ‘Kelsey, do you expect excellence from your squirrels?’  I had no idea what he was talking about, so I was like, ‘Yes, sir, Mr. Morris.’  Then he was like ‘See, Kelsey understands the importance of excellence.’”

The offending squirrel declined to be interviewed by the Road Apple.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Area Horse Tired Of Being Compared To The Black Stallion

Scottsdale, AZ -- Midnight, a black Arabian gelding, is tired of his owner, Linda Ellison, constantly comparing him to the Black Stallion.  Whenever Ellison arrives at the barn she stands at Midnight’s pasture gate and whistles for him.  “I know she wants me to come galloping up to her, just like the Black would,” Midnight says.  Ellison is always disappointed when Midnight ambles up to her to get his treat.

The comparisons extend to all areas of their relationship.  “If we are out on the trail and we see a snake and I try to run away, she always says something like, ‘The Black would’ve fought the snake and saved my life.’  Whatever.  The Black also killed a man.  Oh, and by the way, the Black isn’t real.”

Celebrating Earth Day

To celebrate Earth Day, here at the Road Apple we are going to recycle some of our old blog posts.  So this week look forward to re-using and re-enjoying some of our old favorites.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Stockwatch: Pfizer, Inc and Polartec

Pfizer, Inc (PFE) $30.59 (-2.32) (-7.05%)
Polartec (FLC) $12.87 (-0.61) (-4.53%)

Shares of both Pfizer, Inc and Polartec dropped steeply on news of declining sales of Chapstick and polar fleece during the first weeks of spring.