The Horse Who Wouldn't Die
The Biography of a Useless Horse
by H. B. Farmer

**Now available as an ebook**

Monday, January 30, 2012

Area Woman Knows Way Too Much About Manure Forks

Parkton, MD   New barn owner Leah Hammett made the mistake of bringing experienced horsewoman Tamara Buller to the feed store with her to pick up supplies. The very knowledgeable Buller spent over two hours discussing the pros and cons of various manure forks.

First Buller covered material options for the handle of the manure fork. Then she went on to handle shape. “Whether you prefer a straight handle or an ergonomic handle depends on your mucking style. Are you a flinger or a rotator?” When Hammett shrugged noncommittally, Buller delivered an extensive lecture on mucking techniques and grip types. Then she moved onto head types, covering teeth spacing and her own strong preference for a basket-type head. Finally she assessed the overall balance of each manure fork.

After finally settling on a manure fork, Buller spent the next few hours educating Hammett about wheelbarrows.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Horse Calls Humane Society After Being Repeatedly Decorated For Holidays

Decorated for Friend's Birthday

Decorated for The Royal Wedding

Decorated for New Year's Eve
A horse called the Humane Society to report that he had been repeatedly decorated for various holidays.  In an exclusive interview with the Road Apple, the horse reported that he was increasingly concerned about upcoming Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

TV Listings: Downunder Horsemanship


8 p.m. EST

In the series finale, Clinton Anderson explains how to find an actual trainer to help you with your horse in person.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Area Horse Really Wants His Own Pony, Promises To Take Very Good Care Of It

Seattle, WA   Area horse Pistol Pete has been begging for a pony of his own for weeks now.  He promises that he will feed his pony and clean up after it and take it for walks everyday.

Tired of the begging, Pete’s owner came up with an incentive program.  Pete gets a gold star for every week he behaves himself and does his chores without complaining.  When he has 500 gold stars he can get a pony of his own.  The 18 year old Pete was reportedly very excited about the plan and immediately started pony shopping.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Area Woman Critiques Gold Medal Ride

Raleigh, NC.   Training level dressage rider Jeanette Woodall spent last Saturday studying videos of the individual dressage competition from the 2008 Olympics.  She critiqued all of the riders, but was especially hard on individual gold medalist Anky Van Grunsven.  “She’s using too much spur—see how Salinero is swishing his tail?”  Her husband, Gregory, watching with her, nodded in agreement.  Woodall continued her critique, “Did you see him drop behind the vertical there?  She needs to soften the reins and let him stretch into the bridle.  She is riding him front to back.”  Woodall described Van Grunsven’s horse Salinero as ‘pretty nice’ but indicated that she would have trained him more correctly.

After spending the day critiquing Olympic level rides, Woodall headed to the barn and groomed her horse, but did not ride.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Police Blotter

On January 14th, at approximately 3:41 pm, Scott Willams, 44, was apprehended at Eastside Laundromat in Boise, ID.  He is charged with attempting to wash two horse blankets and five saddle pads in the laundromat’s washers, despite a clearly posted sign stating “No Horse Laundry”.  Police had placed the laudromat under surveillance after customers repeatedly called 911 to report finding horse hair in the machines.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Area Woman Driven To Blogging To Support Horse’s Vet Habit

Tucson, AZ   Faced with a mountain of vet bills, horse owner Darlene Lawler was forced to start blogging to make ends meet.  She googled ‘how to make money blogging’ and the first bit of advice she found was to ‘blog what you know’.  So Lawler started a blog called The Clumsy Horse, where she details the injuries and treatments of her accident-prone horse, Waldorf.

Followers of her blog have become acquainted with her bandaging routines and medication schedules.  They are also kept up to date on Waldorf's water consumption and manure production.  The most recent entry read, “Just changed Dorfy’s bandage and gave him his meds.  There was fresh manure in his stall!”

Lawler’s previous entrepreneurial ventures include a CafePress site where she sold merchandise with a cute cartoon of a horse resting in a hospital bed.  At press time there were no indications that Lawler intended to get an actual job.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Business Report: Drinking Horsemen, Inc.

Shares in Drinking Horsemen, Inc. fell 9.8% today after the company reported that sales of the Beer Pick, a combination hoof pick and bottle opener, were lower than expected. The Beer Pick's advertising slogan “Drinkin’ Beer and Pickin’ Hooves” did not resonate with consumers.

The Beer Pick

Sunday, January 8, 2012

George Morris Berates Squirrel For Low Standards

 George Morris

The offending squirrel

AUSTIN, TX   A George Morris clinic was interrupted yesterday when a chattering squirrel drew Morris’s ire.  Morris stopped the clinic to berate the squirrel, who was sitting in a nearby tree.  “If you want to learn anything you need to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.”  He then went on to criticize the squirrel’s work ethic.  Morris told the chatty squirrel, “I have paid my dues, but I still work hard.  When winter is approaching I am still out there gathering nuts.”

Kelsey Martinson was riding in the clinic when Morris went on his rant.  “We were working on shoulder-in when all of a sudden he started yelling at this squirrel.  Then he looked at me and was like ‘Kelsey, do you expect excellence from your squirrels?’  I had no idea what he was talking about, so I was like, ‘Yes, sir, Mr. Morris.’  Then he was like ‘See, Kelsey understands the importance of excellence.’”

The offending squirrel declined to be interviewed by the Road Apple.

Rider Left To Fend For Self After Horse Flees To Safety

Rider Left To Fend For Self After Horse Flees To Safety

Welcome to The Road Apple

The Road Apple is Hillbilly Farms' new dailyish news site.  Here we will provide you with completely made up headlines and articles about the day's horse events.  Enjoy!